Just tell me I’m not suitable

Danica Park
2 min readMar 1, 2021

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and end this zoom call, please.

8 am: I’ve rolled out of bed later than usual with a throbbing headache and had my usual breakfast, which I then proceeded to top up with with 2 slices of bread with peanut butter and 5 chocolate bars.

Did I need all that food at 8 in the morning? I didn’t. Can I control myself when I feel something is wrong? I can’t.

I didn’t even give the day a chance. Maybe it was just a headache, no need to panic or to give into unreasonable hunger. Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that I had a job interview later. It most likely did though…

10am: I did my workout unwillingly, went for a walk unwillingly, took a shower very willinginly, dressed up (waist up only, of course) and finally sat down at my desk for the interview.

I felt sick. This happens frequently, these days more than ever. My head hurts, all of it. When I realise it is hurting, it just feels empty, I can’t really remember anything, I feel like I just woke up, like today wasn’t today, but an extension of some other day… It’s now 3.30 pm and the memories of my AM walk feel real, but my lunch doesn’t. Portions of my day don’t feel like I lived them, I remember them, but they don’t feel mine. Oh, trust me, feels as senseless as it sounds.

12 pm: The interview didn’t go well. I couldn’t think or make sense of my thoughts. I don’t think I’ve ever been this close to crying in front of complete strangers. I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks and eyes — please end this call, please end this call, please end this call. I felt embarrassed but also sorry for them for having to speak with me today, they were just doing their jobs and that doesn’t include having to see someone else having a breakdown.

Q: Do you have any questions?
A: Everything was clear, thank you.

I’m sorry if you interviewed me today, I had an headache.

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Danica Park
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Living with #depression, my daily diary